Codewars exercise "Find the word 'needle' in the string" that was implemented so horribly, it quickly became the best code I've ever laid my eyes upon. (Disclaimer: I am not the genius who architected this precious artifact)

code.js

var a = "a";
var b = "b";
var c = "c";
var d = "d";
var e = "e";
var f = "f";
var g = "g";
var h = "h";
var i = "i";
var j = "j";
var k = "k";
var l = "l";
var m = "m";
var n = "n";
var o = "o";
var p = "p";
var q = "q";
var r = "r";
var s = "s";
var t = "t";
var u = "u";
var v = "v";
var w = "w";
var x = "x";
var y = "y";
var z = "z";
var space = " ";

var theWordNeedleWhichWillNeedToBeFoundWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle = [].concat(n).concat(e).concat(e).concat(d).concat(l).concat(e).join('');
var returnStringPrefix = [].concat(f).concat(o).concat(u).concat(n).concat(d).concat(space).concat(t).concat(h).concat(e).concat(space).concat(n).concat(e).concat(e).concat(d).concat(l).concat(e).concat(space).concat(a).concat(t).concat(space).concat(p).concat(o).concat(s).concat(i).concat(t).concat(i).concat(o).concat(n).concat(space).join('');

function findNeedle ( theHaystackContainingTheNeedle )
{
  var indexOfNeedleWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle = -1;
  var numberOfStrawsPlusTheNeedleThatAreContainedWithinTheGiantHaystackContainingTheNeedleWhichIsProbablyLocatedInAFieldSomewhereNearABarnOnAFarmPotentiallyWithinTheVicinityOfRuralTexas = getLengthOfArrayContainingElements( theHaystackContainingTheNeedle );
  for(
    var currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop = 0;
    currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop <= numberOfStrawsPlusTheNeedleThatAreContainedWithinTheGiantHaystackContainingTheNeedleWhichIsProbablyLocatedInAFieldSomewhereNearABarnOnAFarmPotentiallyWithinTheVicinityOfRuralTexas;
    currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop = currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop + 1
  )
  {
    if(currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop < 0)
    {
      throw new Error("This shouldn\"t happen".replace("\u0022","\u2019"));
    }

    if(currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop > numberOfStrawsPlusTheNeedleThatAreContainedWithinTheGiantHaystackContainingTheNeedleWhichIsProbablyLocatedInAFieldSomewhereNearABarnOnAFarmPotentiallyWithinTheVicinityOfRuralTexas)
    {
      throw new Error("This shouldn\"t happen".replace("\u0022","\u2019"));
    }

    var theValueOfTheCurrentStrawOrNeedleThatResidesWithinTheLargeHaystack = getElementFromArrayGivenIndex( theHaystackContainingTheNeedle, currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop );

    if( theValueOfTheCurrentStrawOrNeedleThatResidesWithinTheLargeHaystack === theWordNeedleWhichWillNeedToBeFoundWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle) {
      indexOfNeedleWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle = currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop;
    }
  }

  var theCompleteReturnValueContainingTheReturnPrefixAndTheIndexOfTheNeedleWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle = returnStringPrefix.split('').concat(indexOfNeedleWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle).join('');

  return theCompleteReturnValueContainingTheReturnPrefixAndTheIndexOfTheNeedleWithinTheHaystackContainingTheNeedle;
}

function getElementFromArrayGivenIndex( arrayContainingElements, indexToRetrieveFromArrayContainingElements )
{
  var valueFromArrayWhereIndexWasBeingSearchedFor = -1;
  var numberOfElementsInArrayContainingElements = getLengthOfArrayContainingElements(arrayContainingElements);
  for(
    var currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop = 0;
    currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop <= numberOfElementsInArrayContainingElements;
    currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop = currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop + 1
  )
  {
    if(currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop < 0)
    {
      throw new Error("This shouldn\"t happen".replace("\u0022","\u2019"));
    }

    if(currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop > numberOfElementsInArrayContainingElements)
    {
      throw new Error("This shouldn\"t happen".replace("\u0022","\u2019"));
    }

    var valueBasedOnCurrentIndexOfTheArrayThatIsCurrentlyBeingReferencedWithinTheExecutingForLoop = arrayContainingElements[ currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop ];

    if(currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop === indexToRetrieveFromArrayContainingElements)
    {
      valueFromArrayWhereIndexWasBeingSearchedFor = valueBasedOnCurrentIndexOfTheArrayThatIsCurrentlyBeingReferencedWithinTheExecutingForLoop;
    }
  }

  return valueFromArrayWhereIndexWasBeingSearchedFor;
}

function getIndexFromArrayGivenValue( arrayContainingElements, valueForWhichToUseToFindTheIndexAndRetrieveItFromArrayContainingElements )
{
  var indexFromArrayWhereValueWasFound = -1;
  var numberOfElementsInArrayContainingElements = getLengthOfArrayContainingElements(arrayContainingElements);
  for(
    var currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop = 0;
    currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop <= numberOfElementsInArrayContainingElements;
    currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop = currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop + 1
  )
  {
    if(indexFromArrayWhereValueWasFound > -1)
    {
      continue;
    }

    var valueBasedOnCurrentIndexOfTheArrayThatIsCurrentlyBeingReferencedWithinTheExecutingForLoop = getElementFromArrayGivenIndex( arrayContainingElements, currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop );

    if( valueBasedOnCurrentIndexOfTheArrayThatIsCurrentlyBeingReferencedWithinTheExecutingForLoop === valueForWhichToUseToFindTheIndexAndRetrieveItFromArrayContainingElements )
    {
      indexFromArrayWhereValueWasFound = currentIndexOfTheCurrentlyExecutingForLoop;
    }
  }

  return indexFromArrayWhereValueWasFound;
}

function getLengthOfArrayContainingElements( arrayContainingElementsForWhichToRetreiveTheLengthFrom )
{
  var theLengthOfTheArrayContainingElementsForWhichToRetreiveTheLengthFrom = arrayContainingElementsForWhichToRetreiveTheLengthFrom.length;

  if(theLengthOfTheArrayContainingElementsForWhichToRetreiveTheLengthFrom < 0)
  {
    theLengthOfTheArrayContainingElementsForWhichToRetreiveTheLengthFrom = 0;
  }

  return theLengthOfTheArrayContainingElementsForWhichToRetreiveTheLengthFrom;
}